I had an arm wrestling match with my eldest son a while ago.
I've always been proud of my physique and strength, but when I arm wrestled my left-handed son, I lost.
Even though I'm right-handed... the feeling of losing to my son, who I always thought of as a child, was new and profound.
There was a reason why the memory of that arm wrestling match suddenly came back to me today.
On our way to lunch by car, I chatted with my eldest son about various things.
His birthday is May 16th, and he said he wants to get his driver's license and buy a car right away after his birthday.
It wasn't anything new, as we had been talking about it for a few months.
He had already seen the car he wanted to buy, a BMW Mini, and had made up his mind.
So, I wondered 'In Indonesia, from what age can you get a driver's license?' and looked it up because he was already talking about getting a car.
'No, if you're 17 years old, that's 18 years old in Korean age... Is my son really going to be 17 after his birthday?' I thought and calculated.
But... it was true.
While I felt time was passing so quickly, I also felt a bittersweet emotion.
And then, the arm wrestling match we had earlier came to mind.
My father was also quite a strong man, and there were legendary stories (?), told by relatives, about how he used his fists during his youth.
I think I beat my father in an arm wrestling match around the time I graduated from middle school.
Considering that my height was the same as it was in my second year of middle school, it wasn't that surprising, but...
When I experienced the situation myself, it felt strange.
'How would my father have felt?' When his youngest son, a mischievous boy, beat him in an arm wrestling match... I thought it wouldn't end with just 'He's grown up a lot'.
My father himself must have felt the greatness of seeing me, like him, filling his place, but I think he would have had other complex emotions as well.
That's how I feel now.
Even though I don't have a physique that loses anywhere... losing to my son, who I always thought of as a child, and then hearing him say he wants to drive... it's a mix of emotions.
I realized that I need to accept myself changing from being a father who always takes care of things to someone who gives advice on life.
Having four sons, and with a significant age gap between me and the youngest ones, I've been thinking a lot lately.
When I see my older sons, I think 'They've gone through so much and grown up well,' but when I see my younger sons, I feel like 'They're still just babies...'
The feeling of seeing my older sons, who I always thought of as children, growing up to be able to replace me... it's complicated.
My father probably chuckled when he lost to me in an arm wrestling match, but even though he didn't say anything at the time, I think he must have felt similar emotions and thoughts to what I'm feeling now.
Even though I'm still the youngest son who acts childish in front of my parents...
Thinking that they might have felt the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions as me makes me feel a little emotional.
Father, what were you thinking when you lost to me in an arm wrestling match?
